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Dr. Joseph White, Author and Speaker

Sharing Catholic Faith


Nurturing Your Marriage as Parents

Posted on February 13, 2017 at 12:54 PM
Happy St. Valentine's Day!

The United States Bishops recognize February 7-14, 2017 as National Marriage Week. For more information on that, click here. 

In recognition of this worthy focus on marriage, I am posting the following excerpt from my book, A Catholic Parent's Tool Box (Our Sunday Visitor, 2014):

Many couples, as they begin to have children, transition away from time as a couple to time as a family. The pressing demands of parenthood – the busiest job you’ll ever love – push “together time” between husbands and wives to the back burner. Many parents of young children feel guilty about spending time away from the kids – or even wanting to. And the increased mobility of today’s families often means that grandparents and other family members are farther away, making it a challenge for many parents to find reliable childcare.
Still, research tells us that the best parents are those who take time to nurture the marital relationship, even if it sometimes means occasionally sacrificing time with the kids. This makes sense for three reasons. First, you are your child’s example of how to have a healthy adult relationship. Kids learn by example, so if one of your dreams for your children is to find that special someone and live “happily ever after,” show them how it’s done. Second, children feel more secure when they know their parents’ relationship is solid. The day to day struggles of marriage and family mean that we will always have some conflicts, but kids get can get confused about how serious these are, and often have fears (even unspoken ones) that mom and dad may get divorced because they are arguing. More positive time together for husbands and wives is reassuring to them (and to you) that you still love each other no matter what. Third, parents who aren’t generally in close communication with one another find it much harder to set consistent limits for their children. Kids often learn to exploit this and can sometimes pit one parent against the other in an effort to get something they want. (It sounds a little devious, but almost all kids try it at one time or another. Perhaps you remember doing this yourself!) Parents will find that child discipline is a lot easier when they present a “united front,” working together to give the children what they need even when it means denying what they want.

So how do we do this in a world of real-life family demands? Here are a few tips:

1. Ask each other out on dates. Don’t find time, make time. Perhaps you could get together with another couple who have young children and agree to watch their kids so they can go out if they will do the same for you. Go somewhere you wouldn’t go with the kids – a romantic restaurant, a movie, or perhaps you may even wish to stay at home and have a quiet dinner and a little romance while the kids are out!

2. Do the unexpected. Surprise your spouse with something he or she really likes. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. (Flowers are the old cliché, but they still work, guys! They’re not that expensive if you deliver them personally.) Perhaps a favorite treat or a love note sent via U.S. Mail to your spouse’s work (or hidden in a briefcase or lunch bag). It can take just a few minutes to brighten up their day and spice up your relationship.

3. Bring back the good old days. Make a compilation of music the two of you listened to when you were dating. Did you have a song that was “your song?” If you are still in the same city, go to a place you used to frequent together. (If not, perhaps a place that reminds you of “back home.”)

4. “Steal” some quick moments together. Make a lunch date while the kids are at school or childcare. Be firm about bedtime, and spend try to spend at least an hour together after the kids go to bed. (Together enjoying one another, not paying bills and folding clothes.) Schedule this for two or more nights per week. Steal a moment or two in the morning while you are getting dressed for the day (Your bathroom door has a lock, right?)

5. Pray together. This is another place where time has to be made, not found. Hold hands and ask God to bless your marriage and your kids. Pray some traditional prayers together. Take turns reading the Psalms to one another. Tap into the Creator of marriage and family, the Source of the grace that strengthens us as husbands, wives, and parents.

6. Be affectionate in front of the kids. OK, don’t overdo it, but giving quick hugs and kisses is nice for you are reassuring to them. Even if they say “yuck,” they’re probably smiling on the inside.

7. Be patient with one another. If you’re not already doing these things, it takes a while to “get into the groove.” One of you may try something romantic when they other is not necessarily in the mood. Be open and patient as you work to get more in sync. Try again and again.

Categories: Child/Family Psychology, Marriage

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